funny golf jokes

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" — Derick A.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle.

Late Arrival Funeral Heaven or Hell Note Terrible Weather Mixed Best Ball Retiree Sucker Mulligan Fore Golf Versus Sex Heaven Echo Marriage Weather Illegal The Open Choking Obituary Demons New Clubs Ducks Out Of My Mind Obsessed Tough Putt Atheist Weight Shorten Secret What To Do Golf Defined Trevino Dave Hill Jack Vision Math Lost City Sneak Out Big Shooter #1 Amendments Riders Take It With You Definitions 3-Footer Dentures Excuses #1 Excuses #2 Excuses #3 Excuses #4 Excuses #5 Excuses #6 Top Golf Books Great Player Top Golf Names Puppy Imaginary Golf The Yips Demaret Handicap Golfaholic Hoover Big Shooter #2 Golf Gun Big Driver Golf Is… Fatherly Advice Tomorrow.
The game of Golf has spawned a whole collection of great golf jokes, and this lens is a selection of some of the best funny golf jokes to be found.
I good golf jokes, these are some great ones I can share with my friends while out on the course.
enjoyed reading your lens, some of the jokes reminded me of people i play golf with.
Very well laid out lens and some really good golf jokes as well.
This is a compilation of the best clean golf jokes that I have collected over the years and I hope that they make you laugh as much as they made me laugh when I first read them.
Tony, you’ve assembled a great collection of golf jokes here.
Other Golf Jokes satirically involve various religious figures coming back to earth and playing golf, with some hilarious outcomes.
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While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member’, I’m not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore.
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.
‘Well’, said the policeman gravely’, Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW.
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn’t include John Gumby in the anymore.
‘Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’, retorted Padraig with finality.
The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.
Working my way down the practice tee, I explained the nature of my quest and was greeted by the same kind of blank stares I’d earned so many years ago with that first golf joke.
I’ve played golf most of my life, and I’ve told countless jokes in comedy clubs and at golf tournaments, where I sometimes emceed for the dean of comedy himself, Bob Hope.
I headed for the beachside bar, ordered a tall, cool beverage and pondered how in the heck I was going to find the very best jokes about golf when no one seemed to know any.
I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of all the jokes they’d heard and told in their 30 lifetimes of golf.
When was the last time you heard a new golf joke? Is the golf joke dead? I intended to find out: I embarked upon a quest to track down the world’s best ones.
The stunned golfer rushes into the golf shop and shouts, "Help! Help! I just hit a terrible slice off the first tee and hit a car and it crashed.
The very first golf joke probably involved a Scotsman sculling a feathery with his baffy and knocking some poor sheep senseless.
And with that I learned the first valuable lesson of my quest: Dougherty is like most people who are funny–his humor doesn’t come from telling jokes.
One day, a ball comes flying off the first tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatteres it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs.
After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the ninth green if anyone hit a slice of the first tee.
By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappabl — and obviously was a good shot — so they played on.
But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie’s rifle.
Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-three 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green.
After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree.
The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four.
By the time he finishes re-creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans,""Oh, that’s terrible.
They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.
The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his first tee shot to the right, but it went out-of-bounds, he and the rest of his group didn’t bother looking for it.
Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
"If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.
"After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.
"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence.
"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball.
"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off.
"Golf is not a game, it’s bondage.
"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.
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So here I will debunk your “facts” with a link: ;by-the-numbers-211532262.html. You were right in the statement that Bush had more vacation days than Obama, but here is the real number: At this point in the Presidential term for both Bush and Obama, Bush had 381 days, part or whole, on vacation, Obama has 129 days, part or whole, on vacation.
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One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
This does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
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This easy-to-use application will make you want to personalize your Android phone again and again, depending upon your moods, the seasons, the holidays, etc… Use the icon button, at the top of the screen, to check out our other ringtone apps, to help you personalize your Android device's sounds even more.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball at golf course.
Golf is a funny game, so you know Golf Jokes are going to be funny.
We have a HUGE collection of Golf Jokes for you to enjoy.
Random Golf Jokes – Totally Random Golf jokes.
When’s The First Time Each College Football Team Was No.
Texas – Frisco police say Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested Monday evening for allegedly shoplifting at the Dillard’s at Stonebriar Mall.
Texas – A second healthcare worker at the Dallas hospital where Ebola patient Thomas Duncan was treated has tested positive for the virus, Texas health officials say.
Washington – A suspected robber with a guilty conscience walked out of a Washington state bank with stolen cash then waited outside the building for police to arrest him, police said.
CHICAGO – Pest control company Orkin dubbed Chicago the “rattiest” city in the United States, followed by Los Angeles, Washington and New York.
Texas – The city of Houston has issued subpoenas demanding a group of pastors turn over any sermons dealing with homosexuality, gender identity or Annise Parker (picture, left), the city’s first openly lesbian mayor.
Louis Police Officers’ Association business manager Jeff Roorda cited other evidence against Myers during a news conference: Social media photos that Roorda said show Myers holding three guns, one of them a 9 mm Smith & Wesson.
Idaho – An Idaho man was arrested after allegedly throwing the tasty Mexican treat at a worker at an assisted living home, police say.
DALLAS – The executive director of the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons says that despite what the CDC is saying, Ebola might be transmitted by breathing.
God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.
Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it.
Feeling embarrassed, he says to his caddy, “I should go jump in that lake and drown myself.” The caddie replies, “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.” ***** Tiger needs help at The Ryder Cup Tiger Woods is given a magic lamp after his poor performance on the first day at the 2012 Ryder Cup.
The genie stares at Tiger Woods and then says, “So which swing do you want — Ben Hogan’s or Sam Snead’s?” Curtis and Leroy Golf Joke or How dumb are they? Curtis took his friend, Leroy, to play nine holes during a long lunch break.
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.
Fourth Guy: "I don’t want to talk about it.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor.
"Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
I play golf and love telling my friend’s a cute joke that they haven’t heard.
First guy says to his buddy, "I got a beautiful new set of irons for my wife." Second guy says, "Excellent trade!" Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
He misses his first putt and then the next two, Then states "That’s okay, a Bogey will do." As I walk off the green, I hope in my fate, His next line will be, "Gotta go, gotta date." The Official GOLF Survival Handbook Dictionary of terms every golfer should know Golf A beautiful walk spoiled by a small white ball.
"You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!" I heard that a considerably large cash reward has been posted in response to the vicious and brutal attack on OJ that occured while he was in a golf course parking lot.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick." The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!" A GOLFING PARODY I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.
And when he puts the ball where he can hit it, he can’t see it." "Reverend Green, I must tell you that I truly admire the way you refrain from cussin’, and swearin’ on the golf course." "Thank you for the kind words," the pastor replied.
On the 2nd hole the Japanese fellow has a 60ft putt which he holes, impressed with this long putt the businessman shouts what he learned in Tokyo, "yakamakiho, yakamakiho" The Japanese fellow looks puzzled and asks, "what do you mean… wrong hole?" A woman storms into the pro shop and bellows at the head pro, "I thought you sprayed this course for mosquitoes." The head pro replies, "Yes, m’aam, we did last week." "Well," the irate woman replies, "I got bit between the first and second holes." The pro pauses for a moment, then says, "Maybe your stance is too wide." A guy’s hacking his way around Sawgrass.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don’t you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
But, I’m curious about one thing…" "What’s that," asks the husband? "There was a golf ball about 4 inches up her rectum!" "THAT was my Mulligan!" Three guys worked together for years and always wanted to go golfing together, but two of the wifes wouldn’t let their husbands out.
She’s the one who set me up and pointed me in the right direction." It wasn’t until Paynter and his two golf partners, along with his niece and wife, got to the hole that they discovered the ball nestled inside.
I knocked my wife out with a golf ball." The doctor examines the woman and informs the golfer that she is dead.
Second golfer: Really? How did he do it? First golfer: With one of his golf clubs! Second golfer: How many strokes? A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green.
When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.
What’s the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife? Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year? Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn’t you? Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch? Caddy: This isn’t a watch, sir.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What’s the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron." Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? One is a hunt on a course.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
Just as he was about to sink the ball into the hole, he was hit in the head with a golf ball, knocking him out cold.
He asked what the problem was and when the Newfies explained that they both hit the same numbered ball and only one went in the hole, the marshall said, "I think I can resolve this problem fairly quickly." Then the marshall asked, "Who is hitting the orange ball?" A man shows up at a doctor’s office carrying his wife in his arms.
"Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through." What Is The Difference Between A Lada And A Golf-Ball? You Can Drive A Golf Ball 360 Yards.
You caught me off-guard." How do you get someone on a golf course to talk to you? Pick up the wrong ball.
May I please play through?" The first man angrily gave the card back and shock his head from side to side indicating, "No, he may NOT play through." The first man then whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
"All the years I’ve been playing that course I’ve hardly ever even been on the green," said the man who played his last round of golf as a sighted person when he was 20.
After all, I got here in 2, didn’t I?" "Sneaking away" for a game of golf during the work day, one fellow had forgotten which course his friend said to meet and called his office, only to have his secretary say, "I’m sorry he’s away from his desk right now." Knowing she’d never admit where he really was, the fellow asked, "Tell me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away?" Top 10 things that sound dirty on a golf course but aren’t: 10.
Hold it like you would your husband’s penis." So she aims, swings, and gets a hole in one! "WOW!" exclaims the instructor, "but now this time, try doing that with the club out of your mouth." THE RULES OF GOLF These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help" One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see there is your problem.
Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation." Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this?…and all these years you’ve been hitting from the ladies tees!!!" Two guys went out for a game of golf one day.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good… but my thumb still hurts like hell!" This guy was playing golf with his wife.
Amethyst joyfully accepting the bat Steven’s hands for pinata as a gift saying she’ll use it all the time… before preparing to use it on Pearl with a giant grin on her face.
Steven mentioning that something terrible will happen if Pearl and Amethyst don’t turn into a Opal, including him not getting to see a giant woman, or getting eaten by a giant bird.
Garnet keeping Amethyst and Pearl from C-Blocking Steven.
When Pearl first mentions she’ll need a sparring partner, Steven tries to raise his hand, only for Garnet to gently push it back down before he’s even a quarter of the way through.
Steven imitates Pearl and Garnet.
When Steven comes to the conclusion that his powers are summoned by eating ice cream, a concerned Pearl picks up one of the wrappers and eyes it suspiciously.
At Garnet’s birthday party, Steven introduces the Gems to the concept of "Kazoo Racing".
Greg’s advice while in Rose’s room is half creepy and half hilarious as he starts saying things that don’t remotely respond to what Steven is telling him.
All of Steven and Amethyst’s interaction are very reminiscent of an older sister and younger brother… and it’s hilarious.

Our sport is a tough one to master, which perhaps helps explain why golf jokes are such a part of the game.
Below you’ll find a list of golf jokes and stories of the longer variety (longer meaning several paragraphs or so).

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