golf jokes

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While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member’, I’m not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore.
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.
‘Well’, said the policeman gravely’, Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW.
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn’t include John Gumby in the anymore.
‘Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’, retorted Padraig with finality.
The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

From quick one liners to the funniest of stories from the fairways, you’ll find it all here.
You’ll find here hundreds of golf jokes from your favourite sport.

Working my way down the practice tee, I explained the nature of my quest and was greeted by the same kind of blank stares I’d earned so many years ago with that first golf joke.
I’ve played golf most of my life, and I’ve told countless jokes in comedy clubs and at golf tournaments, where I sometimes emceed for the dean of comedy himself, Bob Hope.
I headed for the beachside bar, ordered a tall, cool beverage and pondered how in the heck I was going to find the very best jokes about golf when no one seemed to know any.
I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of all the jokes they’d heard and told in their 30 lifetimes of golf.
When was the last time you heard a new golf joke? Is the golf joke dead? I intended to find out: I embarked upon a quest to track down the world’s best ones.
The stunned golfer rushes into the golf shop and shouts, "Help! Help! I just hit a terrible slice off the first tee and hit a car and it crashed.
The very first golf joke probably involved a Scotsman sculling a feathery with his baffy and knocking some poor sheep senseless.
And with that I learned the first valuable lesson of my quest: Dougherty is like most people who are funny–his humor doesn’t come from telling jokes.

One day, a ball comes flying off the first tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatteres it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs.
After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the ninth green if anyone hit a slice of the first tee.
By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappabl — and obviously was a good shot — so they played on.
But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie’s rifle.
Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-three 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green.
After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree.
The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four.
By the time he finishes re-creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans,""Oh, that’s terrible.
They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.
The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his first tee shot to the right, but it went out-of-bounds, he and the rest of his group didn’t bother looking for it.

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it." — Howard P.
To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" — Derick A.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle.

Whether you are going to stick around here and read the dirty golf jokes, or whether you head off to my other lens and read the clean golf jokes, I hope that you enjoy the selection that I have for you and that you have a good laugh.
Men to play golf, and men to tell dirty jokes.
Dirty Golf Jokes are commonplace in the golfing community, in fact the game of golf wouldn’t be the same without dirty golf jokes being told before, during and after the game.
For those of you who really don’t enjoy dirty jokes, whether they are about golf or not, I highly recommend the companion page to this one, Golf Jokes, which has nothing but clean golf jokes.
Great selection of really cool golf jokes Poddys, thanks for sharing these, they made me laugh out loud… liked and blessed.

The game of Golf has spawned a whole collection of great golf jokes, and this lens is a selection of some of the best funny golf jokes to be found.
I love good golf jokes, these are some great ones I can share with my friends while out on the course.
enjoyed reading your lens, some of the jokes reminded me of people i play golf with.
Very well laid out lens and some really good golf jokes as well.
This is a compilation of the best clean golf jokes that I have collected over the years and I hope that they make you laugh as much as they made me laugh when I first read them.
Tony, you’ve assembled a great collection of golf jokes here.
Other Golf Jokes satirically involve various religious figures coming back to earth and playing golf, with some hilarious outcomes.

The joke file has been growing each month, so in order to allow for quicker download time, the jokes have now been broken up into several smaller sections.
Golf Etiquette Home Page, jokes will be included for your entertainment.
Golf Etiquette will reserve the right to edit any jokes submitted.

Copyright © CityCom Marketing, LLC – GolfJokes.com – All Rights Reserved.

They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started.

The largest site of golf jokes, golf humor and golf gags.
Glen came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was.
Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.
Copyright © CityCom Marketing, LLC – GolfJokes.com – All Rights Reserved.

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
A bad golfer goes: WHACK … "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! … WHACK.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.

The President’s Cup will take place in just one month.

After I waited patiently while my husband played a round of golf on our 18th wedding anniversary he and I went out to dinner at a lovely restaurant.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
My husband, an avid golf player couldn’t help challenging my boastful son to a game of golf.

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Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
He thinks to himself, "It’s not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It’s not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It’s not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

Golf Joke: Rope.
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Special Attraction !! Latest in Golf .. The local golf course was haunted by an evil leprechaun who liked to exploit the ambitions of the poorer players.

One day the golf pro at the club was playing golf with three members and on the first tee the first member hits a big hook into the woods on the left and turns and asks the pro "What causes that? Pro" and the pro replys "LOFT".
"Look at that, a beuatiful shot just on the edge of the green" The second guy hits his imaginary ball and and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball.
First Golfer: "Look at this golf ball, it’s amazing.
As they walked up to the green the Pro said "Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.
Jesus said "Darn", walked on the water,reached in and got his ball.
"Same thing," says Stevie, "My caddy stands on the other side of the hole and calls out,’over here Stevie, 8 yards’ and I just putt to his voice".
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog reply’s, "Ribbit.
The Genie rushed down the fairway and said to the golfer "Since I hit you with the ball, I will grant you one wish.

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.
Fourth Guy: "I don’t want to talk about it.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor.
I play golf and love telling my friend’s a cute joke that they haven’t heard.
"Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
Joke:Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
Joke:A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would alternately hit the ball.
"It’s free," Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven." Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to.
Joke:A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together.The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club.
The Lord replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 championship golf courses, play is never slow, play is inexpensive, and you will never lose a golf ball.
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which his wife replied, " Oh you’ll feel better, go done to church and say a little prayer." Tom agreed and headed to church.
The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.
The golfer replies, "This is great, it’s just Playing in The US Open!" The Devil, angrily walking away, says to himself, "That’s it! I’ll get this golfer!" He goes over to his controls and turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero! Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.
Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf course.
He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term ‘riders’ mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created.
Upon kneeling at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer, "Oh Lord, thank you for everything, my health, my wife, and my golf game.
He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church.
I hope that when i reach Heaven that I can still play golf." The moment he finished, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom, this is the Lord, I hear you and will answer your question.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green.
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club.
As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot.
The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so.
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse.
A hacker spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man.

Our sport is a tough one to master, which perhaps helps explain why golf jokes are such a part of the game.
Below you’ll find a list of golf jokes and stories of the longer variety (longer meaning several paragraphs or so).

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